One of the dangers for any leader is that they can become isolated – not necessarily intentionally but just through circumstances and the demands of leadership. It is normal for a leader to carry more responsibility and stress than anyone else in the team because they tend to be more aware of what’s going on, the challenges and the workload.
But, as we’ve said many times in this series, leadership is not meant to be done alone. There are too many dangers to being isolated. Here are some:
- We can become blind to our own faults because there is no one close enough to us to point them out;
- We can be discouraged by some of the darts that get shot our way because we don’t have people around us to encourage us;
- We can lose sight of the big picture because we get lost in the detail and there’s no one to challenge us to step back;
- We can fall into the sins that often plague leaders because we don’t have the accountability we need for a healthy Christian life.
Indeed, when we are tempted to “go it alone” and find ourselves isolated, we should remember that right back at Creation, God only found one thing that was “not good” before the Fall: Adam being alone. It is poignant to remember that even before sin entered the World, isolation was a blight on God’s perfect design. So, we should not think ourselves so clever that we can survive it when others like Moses, David and Elijah all fell into serious trouble through isolation.
This is where one of the most famous Proverbs becomes instructive, “Wounds from a friend can be trusted, but an enemy multiplies kisses.” (Proverbs 27:6) I don’t think we need to limit our understanding of this verse to just it’s implications for “friendship.” It goes fair deeper than that – there is a theme throughout the Proverbs that wisdom listen to the wise counsel of others. So, we can glean quite a bit about leadership from this simple, short verse:
- True friendship/camaraderie includes honest criticism. People sometimes think that love means we won’t address the difficult elements of relationships. But, real love means that we will have the difficult conversations, because we care for the other person enough to overcome the awkwardness. For example, when we see someone we don’t know doing something wrong, we probably won’t say anything because it will be awkward. But if we see our child doing something wrong, we’ll say something because their well-being is more important than our awkwardness;
- We should beware of people who only compliment us. They may be well-intentioned but the danger of surrounding ourselves with people who only compliment is that we may end up “believing our own press.” None of us is perfect and we all have areas on which we need to work, so we want to have people around us who will give us honest feedback.
- Honest feedback needs to be given in the context of a wider relationship (“the wounds of a friend”). There are many people who are all too willing to tell you when you’ve done something wrong. I knew a pastor, who, every Monday morning, would receive an email from an older member of the congregation, telling him all the things the pastor had done wrong in his Sunday sermon. – every Monday morning! Reflecting on those letters, the pastor can now see that there were some criticisms that were valid and he needed to hear them. But, the way they were given was terrible. Criticism is always better received from people who care about the well-being of our souls. So, if you’re someone who is about to give some feedback, make sure you’ve invested in that relationship and test your own heart to see if you actually care about the well-being of the recipient or do you just want to be seen as right?
- This may be stating the obvious but I think it is worth saying – criticism hurts! That’s why the proverb calls them “wounds” from a friend. Let’s not kid ourselves, when we are criticised (even validly) it hurts. Make sure you invest into a culture where we care for one another enough that we give people the support and care to recover. In our current political and cultural climate, there are many people who really just “want to be heard” or want to be seen as right. That’s not the goal the Bible gives. The goal there is reconciliation and growth in maturity.
- Sometimes the wounds we need to receive come through people but are from God, Himself. I know for myself there have been times when people have given me a difficult word in love but there has been a sense of divine correction in it. God uses people to keep us on the “straight and narrow.” Take for example the hard word that Paul had to give Peter in Galatians 2:11-21. The key thing to note there about Paul’s correction is that he ultimately had Peter & the Church’s best interests at heart – there was a deep love between Paul and Peter, so much so that Peter could call Paul (later in life), “our dear brother.” What a remarkable statement of brotherly affection and concern.
So, here are some questions for you:
- Do you have people around you to whom you have given permission to speak honestly into your life?
- Are you willing to hear honest feedback from others in your life and leadership?
- When you speak into other people’s lives, have you invested into the relationship first?
- When you criticise others, check your heart – are you just wanting to be heard? Do you actually care for the well-being of the other person’s soul or just you being right?
- Are you growing a culture in your team of honest, loving, transparent concern.
Honest criticism and concern is how leaders get better and the Kingdom grows through discipleship.
“Everyone really does win when a leader gets better.” (Bill Hybels)
God said to the Israelites, “Then I will give you shepherds after my own heart, who will lead you with knowledge and understanding.” (Jeremiah 3:15)
Lord, help us to so invest in our relationships that we can give and hear honest feedback, so that Your Kingdom grows. In the mighty matchless Name of Jesus. Amen